Hey guys! So I have made a decision. I haven’t posted in awhile, mainly because of the pressure to speak about so many topics. I want this blog to be more journal or diary style. And I am glad I waited awhile because I told quite a few people about this blog and I like that it is likely they won’t be checking this anymore now. I want my posts to be a secret. It will contain my innermost thoughts. More about what I am dealing with or doing at any given time. But mainly I want it to focus on my efforts to lose weight. Why? Because that is the the goal that I have the most trouble with.
I have struggled with my weight since I was in preschool and first started hearing that I was “fat” and given diet advice. I hate how I look now. Or more accurately how big I am now. I miss when being just regular fat when I was in the 160s. Now that I am over 200lbs, i just feel like a failure. An out of control train.
Everything else in my life, when I wanted to change it, it was done. I wanted to find a real career and went from working in a mall to working my way to a fantastic well paying job for a Fortune 500 in under 2 yrs. I wanted to make new friends and go out more, and now I have regular invites to festivals, shows and parties with artistic fun people. I wanted to stop being shy and now most people think I am exaggerating (if they believe me at all) when I say that I used to have massive anxiety at the thought of interacting with someone new.
But getting control over my eating, finding the motivation and time to work out, has managed to elude me. I turned 28 around 2 weeks ago, and I am still unable to feel satisfied because I can’t get control over something as basic as my health. The rules for healing are simple, and yet it feels complicated. I get myself going and lose quickly, but one wrong comment and I lose hope all over again.
The last time I was trying was last fall. I lasted about 2 weeks. I lost 7lbs in the first week but was on my way to quitting at week 2. I made the mistake of asking my mom if I look like I’ve lost weight. She responded with, you need to lose more in your stomach, it’s too big. I was at the very beginning of a long journey and instead of getting support, I felt like it was pointless. I had already lost 2 inches off my waist in a week but her words made me feel like it didn’t matter. Like no matter what I did or how hard I was working, I would be some misshapen blob forever. And I felt the motivation that had been burning so hot begin to sputter. I felt judged and found wanting.
Deep down I am obsessed with showing her that I was able to do it. That I lost the weight and kept it off. I feel absurdly competitive with her. I want to be better than her. I want to never be like that. To hate myself and my body so much that the only way to feel better is to my finger at someone struggling and push them further down. I know she hates her body too. She isn’t even a very large woman. AT ALL. But she used to be thin and when she gained weight with pregnancy she was treated poorly for it by my dad and his family and who knows who else. I understand that her hurtful words are her own reaction to being treated badly.
That being said, the excuses don’t excuse her behavior. It doesn’t change that I don’t want to be that way. I want to build others up and help inspire them to push forward to their own goals. I am a big believer in creating the life of your dreams one step at a time. BUT I want to make sure I get this part of my life straight first. I want to use my success over this part of my life as an inspiration. In order to do this I want to give myself some accountability steps.
- Get moving everyday
- Wake up early everyday
With only two steps, I feel like this could be simple this way. To go back to my original mindset of focusing on the process over the result. My mom’s words hurt, but maybe adding my own words to this blog will allow me to heal the hurt. Or maybe it’ll end up being a collection of posts whining about myself and being self indulgent. Whatever this ends up being, I hope to stick with it long enough to find out. Her words mattered enough to make me quit, but my actions will be what matters in the long run.